Compelled

I have a need, desire, compulsion to tell you what I have learned or been reminded of since my last blog post, 5 days ago.

Prior to the post on Monday there was no doubt that God loves me, loves my family, loves my friends - and that we are never alone. It is just a feeling right now. But we have had tremendous support from family, friends, work, and church. And each one of you has given us something to take away from this experience - reminders of God's love. Here are some of them.

God doesn't "give" you these hurdles in your life - Satan does. God gives you the strength and the power to get through these times. Life isn't fair - no WHERE in God's word does he say life on Earth is easy - instead he says this world is broken - and He built a new one in heaven and welcomes all of us to join Him there someday. I have a need to blame someone for this hurt though - maybe because I am the older sister - but I do need to blame someone. So instead of blaming God, I am blaming Adam, Eve, and ultimately Satan. Come on over Satan - I will tear you up. I have God on my side - Nah Nah Nah Nah Boo Boo.

God isn't always trying to "teach" you something in this life. But he holds all my tears and is sadder than I am, sadder than my Mom, and my sister and her husband. Sadder than all of us combined. Sometimes there is no lesson other than that from God , "I am sad too, and I love you, come to me."

And God loves my Dad more than me, more than my sister, and (gulp) more than my mom. Loves him more than all of us combined. And God loves my beautiful niece, Natalie, more than me, my Mom, my sister and her husband too (double gulp). More than all of us combined.

So am I sad? Yes I am. But I am renewed knowing that they are with Him - and he is loving them more than we could, and even though that is unfathomable He does. Maybe that is a reason that they are with Him now - they needed more love and healing than we could give?

Don't have sympathy for us in our difficult time. Instead - love us, support us, be a friend. And it is O.K. if you cry when you see me - because I am crying inside constantly. I feel lost and broken, and part of me always will. But don't have pity on us. It is O.K. if  you don't know what to say, we don't know what to say about this situation either. Just be a friend and help us when we reach for you. And realize that we may not reach out because we are so broken, so have empathy and try to do for us what you would want done for you. And call the people that we lost my name - not "your special angel" or what not. They have names, they existed, and we love them still. There names are Bryan and Natalie. Use there names so they live on for us. And hold onto the people in your life that are irreplaceable. Because we wish we could. Neverless, we are strong - WE ARE HALLING WOMEN! And even when we don't think we can take another step, get out of bed, cry another tear, we will.

I was talking to Bart on Wednesday night - and we were discussing that is seems impossible that Noah will be 1 in May, we will be married for 8 years in July, and Gabriel will be 4 in September. All those defining moments in our life seem like a moment ago, a blink of the eye, and now we are here. But how is it possible then that it seems like 1,000 years ago I talked to my Dad, or held Natalie? This time incongruence seems the hardest for me to swallow.

And perhaps one of the littlest reminders came from my 3 year old, Gabriel. He was saying prayers before dinner on Monday night. He said, "Dear God, please bring back from heaven Papa for Nana, and Kristen's baby to her. They really miss them and need them a lot. Amen." I tried to explain to Gabe that once God takes people to heaven they don't come back. He said, "Well God can do ANYTHING, Mom. And how do you know if he can't?" Well, I guess I don't. And God can do ALL things, so nothing is out of the question. Just have faith of a child - because God can do anything.