Hoppy Easter!

Noah and Nana enjoy the Easter egg hunt.

Noah does NOT like the Easter bunny.

Gabe shows off his Easter craft he made with Nana.

Gabe gathers some eggs.

Noah gets some eggs too.

Can I get just one picture of the 2 boys looking cute?

Gabe likes the Easter bunny.

Gabe shows off his bunny ears on the way to get a pretzel.

Gabe shows off his Easter tie on Sunday morning.

Noah shows off his tie too.

Gabe gathers more eggs outside.

The boys check out their loot.

The Easter bunny brought Gabe a bicycle with training wheels.

Daddy gives Gabe and Noah (his 1st ride) on Papa's tractor.

Sure wish Papa was here with 3 grandkids - Gabe, Noah, and Natalie for a tractor ride. At least Jesus gave the ultimate gift so that Papa and Natalie (and the rest of us) can all have a tractor ride together in heaven someday. Thank you Jesus.

Imagine

I read a blog the other day on grief, and it validated me, made me feel like, "oh me too." It says a common statement made to individuals suffering from loss often hear, "I can't imagine." And I can say, I have heard this statement often - and I always answer, "I know." If you really want to be in the moment, trying to help your grieving friend, family member, co-worker, etc. try to imagine. When I say that, I don't want you to experience loss, sadness, hopelessness, grief. But maybe imagining what it feels like for only a moment might connect you to me a bit more - and make me feel less alone. Just a thought.

And some other words to the wise, little snippets of wisdom gained from this awful experience and pain my family has endure - It is NOT ABOUT YOU! Now I know the people reading this blog - know this - because you are my friends, but my friends have friends - share this with them. Talking to a grieving person or just saying, "I bet you really miss your dad, I bet you really miss your Natalie" is O.K.! I promise! Saying the names of our lost family members - validates us. We are already sad - we already are thinking of them constantly; so bringing up their names isn't hard for us - it is hard for you. We want to talk about them - and if we don't we will say so then. But just the kind word, or saying their names out loud won't make things hard for us- they are already hard. And it is NEVER too late to give a hug, send a card, drop by with a meal, or send a tree!

Send a tree you say? Well - you don't have to send a tree. But 11 sorority sisters did just that yesterday. And it made me feel loved and remembered. Thank you Lauren Hirsch Shook, Kristine Holladay, Jenny Ericksen Bornhourse, Leslie Blake DeKoster, Angie Campbell, Teryl Fordon Floerchinger, Kathryn Young Kunkel, Erica Brewer Carrico, Jenny Zeller August, Nicole Karstens Campbell, and Mindy Miehe Galloway. This beautiful tree will be planted in memory of my dad, Bryan, and my niece, Natalie, and in honor of the friendship we had in college, and that transcends time. Thank your for the thoughtful gift and nice note: Together forever, never apart, maybe in distance, but never in heart.  Thank you for trying to imagine my pain, my mom's pain, my sister's pain - so that we don't feel so alone.

My mom came down this weekend to share in Jones fun - and that we did. We shopped, snuggled, went to restaurants, chased children, slept in, watched movies. But we missed Dad, and missed Kristen, and missed Natalie. It is hard to imagine that this picture was just 6 months ago.

or this:

or this:

I want it back the way it was. I want my dad, I want my sister, I want my niece, I want my mom, I want us back before the hurt, before the pain, before the loss, before the grief. I want to be naive. I want it the way it was. We have had everything taken away that was precious and true -  an entire family has changed, their smiles removed, so-long blissful unawareness. And an entire person is changed - an entire family. Did you see those smiles on those people we once were? Where are they? Because I want them back - but I know that isn't possible. We have to learn to be new people - and grieve the missing parts of ourselves. A friend explained to me the reason why we are so lost: Your parents are your past - they are who you are, where you came from, why you are you. And children are your future, where you are going, your hopes and dreams. So if this is true - we lost our past and our future in 10 short days. I don't want this new life - I want the old. Does anyone see it? If you can't find it, can you imagine how we feel?

Spring, Sprang, Sprung

It is spring here in Iowa. And our flower garden is growing again and the vegetable garden is waiting to be planted. My Mom is coming tomorrow night to play for the weekend. Ahhh! Welcome spring.

Gabriel has his own camera. And he may get it from me a little bit but he loves to take pictures with it. We were sidewalk chalking on Monday afternoon and he said to Daddy and me, "Get together so I can take your picture - look like a family." He took one of Noah, and one of us going for a walk. Not to be outdone - he took one of himself. Here are the results.

What a little photographer I have.

Both boys enjoyed some fun time outdoors. I was totally fine playing with the kiddos until Gabe hit me with a small tree branch across the backside. Honestly, it didn't hurt - but I immediately started crying. I was caught off guard as I was flooded with memory of my Dad. I have heard this happens sometimes after you have lost someone you love. My Dad used to tell me and Kristen that once he was so bad that his mom pulled a tree out of the ground and beat him with it. I can just picture that in my head. I just miss him so much and his outlandish stories. I miss that Gabe and Noah won't have him around hear his silly stories. We have been robbed of such a great man. And I miss him so much. I was crying so hard after that stick incident, that I couldn't sleep that night, and I even was physically sick. Talking about him does make it more difficult sometimes - but it is also comforting that he lives on in memories and in our hearts.

Here are some "grown" up pictures of the day we shared outside. Gabe, again with the stick.

O.k. I can totally see my Dad in this picture. Do you see it?

And to make the night a little bit better - 2 boys in the tub, with bath tub crayons. Gabe wanted a moustache and googly eyes, so Noah needed them too.

Finally, today Gabe showed off his preschool skills. He colored, cut, and pasted the pictures under the appropriate animal sounds. He even wrote his name! Yes, we have a 3 1/2 year old on our hands. After he did it he said, "Pretty neat for someone who is 3, huh Mom?"  Yes, babe - you are neat!

Playing house

Disclaimer: I love being a Mommy to my 2 boys and a wife to Bart, and I wouldn't chose anything else but....

I was under the impression that I have been playing house with Bart for the past 7 years+. It was fun to get married, find careers, buy a house, have a son, have another son, etc. But I am still 21 right? If I wake up in the morning back at Iowa State unable to make it to my too early 8:00am class, is that possible? My biggest problem is my English paper? How many cans can I return to get enough money for Bar cover and then who do I have to flirt with do get a free drink tonight? Wrong.

I have arrived into my 30s! Gulp. With all the chaos in our lives lately I have started to think "what if?" Consequently, this allowed Bart and I to come to the conclusion - we need more life insurance. So we got it. Definitely a requirement to the "over 30" club.

With all of the driving we have been doing - it has become a necessity to purchase a bigger vehicle - enter mini-van. That is definitely a requirement for the "over 30" club. Isn't the word "mini-van" a swear word to those too young to require one? I told myself I would NEVER own one. Do you see what we DON'T own below. Yes, it has a DVD player and everything for the kids. Nothing for the parent other than a "welcome to the old club" bumper sticker. But if anyone calls me a "soccer mom" I reserve the right to "accidentally" back up over your bicycle - even though the mini has a back up camera to specifically prevent this from happening.

But the benefits of "playing house" is the joy I have from sharing my life with my 2 beautiful boys and caring husband. They continue to bring me joy daily. And when I say joy, that doesn't always translate into happiness. We are not oozing happiness daily - No fairy tale music, blue birds chirping, or money growing on trees here in Van Meter, Iowa. We still are burned, charred, and scarred from the pain of those we lost, Dad and Natalie. But there is joy in our lives in the form of 2 little boys. Here is an update on the kiddos:

Gabriel-isms:

• Gabe can no longer "share" his drinks or food with me - because I have "germs." (This reiterates the point that I am old - I have Mom germs and he doesn't want them. Is growing old contagious?)
• Gabe loves to "play doctor" and fix up Mama's owies or Noah's ears.

Open wide, Noah

• After a punishment for hitting his brother, being sassy, yelling, or something else bad, I am also scolded by being told, "YOU ARE NOT MY BEST FRIEND ANYMORE MAMA!"
• Conversation #1:
  • Mama: "Gabe, come over here so I can take your picture, smile nice, and show your teeth."
  • Gabe: "Mama, why are you always wanting to take my picture all the time?"
  • Mama: "Because you are growing up so fast and I don't want to miss anything before you get too big."
  • Gabe: "What-ever Mom, what-ever." (cue eye roll, but he still obliges me and smiles showing his teeth."

• Converation #2 - after picking him up from Sunday School:
  • Gabe: "MOM!, I have to tell you something!"
  • Mama: "What? Tell me."
  • Gabe: "Easter is NOT about bunnies!"
  • Mama: "It isn't?"
  • Gabe: "It is not about chocolate or jelly beans either!"
  • Mama: "Oh."
  • Gabe: "Jesus loves you Mama."
  • Mama: "He loves you too, Gabriel."
  • Gabe: "I KNOW that Mom!"

 

• If Noah is crying, getting into Gabe's things, has a poopy diaper, he is "MY baby." "Mom, YOUR baby is wrecking my blocks/stinky/crying."
• Gabe LOVES to play soccer and run and be wild as much as possible. And his remaining "baby" characteristics are gone. He is totally a Big boy now. And this big boy gets a little curl in his hair when he gets hot and sweaty, just like his Papa; whom I catch a glimpse of each day through him. Thank you Gabriel for keeping my Dad alive in you. God Bless you for that.

Noah-isms:

• Noah can wave. And he totally digs it. He waves, "Hi" and doesn't realize he is doing it. Then he notices that he is doing it and checks his little hand out and he realizes it. Cue HUGE smile of accomplishment and continued waving.
• Little man can take a few steps. But he still prefers to mad-fast crawl to whatever task he has on his one-track-mind as fast as possible, especially if I am sitting in the nursing chair. I don't think I will ever be able to wean this boob-man.
• He loves to pick up the most minute items and "give" them to me. Lint, rocks, crumbs, etc. All are on his radar.
• He doesn't have any words as of yet, but he makes a small "vroom" noise when pushing cars along the floor with this big brother.

• His heart appointment was totally fine. He has a sharper angle in his heart that makes the murmur sound - But anatomy his fine! Yay God.
• He loves to swing outside on the swing set. Well, this picture doesn't do him justice, but trust me when I say he loves it.

• He needs to be up in all of big brother's business. Here he is stealing Gabe's markers and trying to figure out how to get up on the couch to color with him.

• In fact, if it is Gabe's, Noah wants it. End of story.

• Noah likes to pretend too. He likes to "talk" on the telephone and brush his hair. He can also do "so big" and looks like he is almost figuring out how to clap. Noah also likes to pretend his life is extremely difficult. He will throw a fit if he isn't getting what he wants RIGHT NOW. Head back, loud cry, throw to ground, etc.  Cue Gabe, "Mom, your baby wants you."

That being said, our life is full. But many in our immediate family - are struggling. We are too, because we miss my Dad, the boys' Papa, our niece and cousin, Natalie. My mom is struggling to find her new role without my Dad. And my sister and her husband are struggling to find their role as parents, without their daughter. They have been dealt shitty hand and continue to attempt to make a play, only to realize their hand still is shitty. I think we want to call a "mis-deal" and start over. But there are no re-dos in this life. They need to find a "new normal" in this new life that has been forever changed due to the absence of two very important people. Please continue to hold them in your thoughts and prayers. And continue to talk about Dad and Natalie - because that is the ONLY way that they continue to live on. And I REALLY mean it when I say, LOVE your family. Don't miss an opportunity to hug them, kiss them, share a meal, go for a walk, snuggle on the couch. Because we wish we could with our missing links. Don't wish your life away or wait, thinking your life will be better when........ Because your life is now. Drink it in. Be thankful for this moment, this moment is your life. I think I hear the doorbell calling me to play house.